achillea

I wish...

I wish, it would keep on raining. (today was sooooo gloomy weather, but there was no rain, just this undecided inbetween.)

I wish, I could make myself learn (instead of producing cheap texts, crapy pictures and reading depressing Mangas)

I wish someone would sit with me and joke with me.

I wish I'd never let him go, or I could ask him to come back.

I wish I could go and have a long philosopic chat with somebody.

I wish I had a friend who knows how to listen. Who wouldn't criticize me, nor think I'm stupid. Who would refrain from giving good advises, but just let me talk and share his oppinions and dreams with me. Who would help me to built my castles in the air and follow me into the labyrint of unfinished toughts. A friend who wouldn't care if I changed my mind even six times in succession, wouldn't mind if once I'm strong and once I'm weak.

I once lived togheter with a friend, almost a sister... now she became the lover of someone, and has no time for a talk and no patience for it.

I guess that's live...

It's spring... well actually it's summer... here in Beijing we kind of skipped spring. First it was fucking cold... and now it's burning hell.

Well not yet... I still call it nice warm... but soon the sweat and heat and smell of people will remind me, that I'm not really fond of summer.

As it is spring... Cupid is already plotting.

Just... there are not so many matches...

As I'm not going out...there seems to be just one...

In my class are now exactly five boys. One is a slut... going out with x girls in the same time. One is so naive and stupid and young... he's a total no go.

Number 3 is nice and funny, but 1. too young 2. won't fall in love with a foreinger and 3. has already a girlfriend.

Then there is this guy who's going out with the girl from Japan.

And my roommate and friend... he is

Well... he is nice, a gentleman, goodlooking too... I don't care that he is younger than me... but... no, everything would be leading into a catastrophe...

It is really wicked...

I seem just then to fall in love, if I can be certain that this love is impossible and must remain secret.

My only confort is... I'm really really great in keeping love secret.    But... let's be honest... it's not "really" conforting.

Well... love ... I will just wait... maybe one day Cupid will have pity... and sends his arrows toward an available man...

This is a post I planned already long time ago... I forgot about it somehow... but now I remebered and here it is:

I have a lot of friends with fears. One is afraid of heights, some of spiders, snakes, frogs... some think they have a soziophobia...
Well... I am not a very frightend person. I have some big respect for unpopular animals, but I'm not afraid of them. I can cross a street while the light is red and if a car is stopping fast before me, I'm not really shocked. I love to look down form hight places, am very confortable in elevators and airplanes. I have nothing against dark streets and can face even unsharp shadows in these dark streets.  I have certainly no soziophobia and I don't feel hunted if I see a familiar face more then twice a day.
And I'm also neither afraid of death nor of dying. ( That's a thing I'm quite certain about, for I think about those things and maybe that's why I don't fear them. But if a reader does not belive this, no problem.)
Maybe a reader might guess and say that I'm afraid of sadness.... but that's not true... I don't really like to be sad, that's right. But I think without sadness there is no happyness, and so we can bear it and grow in it, to smile even brighter when it has passed.

No, what I'm most afraid of is: Lonelyness

I mean, I like to be lonely sometimes, I have to be lonely in some moments, and I don't need to meet people everyday. I mean the real lonelyness.... when you don't speak to a person for three weeks and nobody seems to miss you.

That's realy scary to me.