achillea

Well, I just was watching sense and sensibility. I bought it yesterday. Now I have this movie twice... but this interpretation is better.

When Edward falls in love with Elinor, but can't say anything, cause he's already engaged to Lucy Steele, he goes chopping wood. And Elinor? I wonderd... it seems to be so unfair. She has to suffer so much and there is no wood she could chop... but then I found out! She is kneading pastry..

Unfortunatly here is neither wood nor an oven...

My friends want all some help in matters of love...

If you give somebody an advise... you advise you self too.
So here are my observations:

--> You can not attract attentions without work. Just being beautifull and charming is not enough.
One has to give some signs to show that one is still to have.

--> One can not search a love like noodlesoup in the supermarket. You can't chose with your mind and a list of attributes. One has to listen to ones heart.

--> And if you want to listen to your heart, you have to open it, even if that means that your heart can be hurt.

There might be a way to love, without hurting your heart.
I found this out long ago, but I wasn't certain if it is just my ideal and an impossible fancy. But there's a german philosopher who had the same idea... so maybe it could work.

This philosopher wrote: "Vielleicht ist dies der höchste Grad von Liebe, zu lieben ohne zu besitzen."
In english it means: "Maybe this is the hightest grade of love, to love without to posses."

I think if you achive this grade, you could love without breaking your heart... but it seems terrible hart!
It is my ideal that if your love is just big enough, you will want that your beloved is happy, and if you're not the person who could make this person happy, you can give him/her up freeliy.

But to be honest... I think I was never tempted enough to prove this ideal.

Well... here I am again.

This week is  very cold. I'm sitting here in my dorm and feel caged.
I want to go to the other campus and see my alien... althoug I'm not certain if I love him.
But do I really care? Now every fiber of my body directs me to love.

My friend meant... maybe you don't need it. Maybe you don't need sex.
But she is wrong. I need love and I want to have sex too.
I'm not satisfied with admiring, I'm not satisfied with being a friend and a sister.
I'm longing so hard for love that I want to cry.
Just in the days now I feel like a slave of my disires. I'm tired of beeing alone.
I'm afraid of ending up as an old maid.
I have so much love to give... but I want to be loved a little bit my self.
I've never heard the sentence "I love you".

And I feel as if I have forgotten how to say it myself.

And Alien does not write to me at all... of course I think that he has a lot of work too...
But now I start to worry... I don't know if I have charms at all.... and if I'm worth that somebody is waiting for me...
Oh how I wish somebody would curtship me... but this is not the time of courtshiping...

Maybe spring will be better?
Don't I diserve a spring of love? I was good for sooooo long time...
Ailen wished that all my wishes come true....
I like to be humble... but I can't... I have a big wish... I want to be in love.

Well, I don't know what happend. I don't know what I have done, or what I haven't. But certainly some things went wrong.
We have holidays now. There are eight free days. So I hoped to maybe become closer aquinted with all the people I learnd to know recently.
But none of my classmates ever knocks on my door. No one asks me to eat dinner or lunch with them. And even a very nice girl who is very similar with me, never send an sms.
And yesterday I found out, that they had a party the other evening. But they never tought about inviting me... I'm really wondering why....
That hurts! Of course I would have probably preferd to stay in my room, for I don't like partys but... well it would have been my own decision. And I would have felt welcome and friendly.
No they seemed to be a kind of group and I don't seem to belong anymore to them.
I really don't know what has happend.
I always told them, how much I like company and that I really like theirs.
And I stood and talked with them, when ever I met them.... until now.
Now I feel so embarassed and akward. I can't speak with them anymore, for I feel so ailien and my selfconfidence sinks to old levels. I'm searching for excuses. For them and for me. I search for mistakes I could have made... but I can't find any.
And it's getting worse and worse, as long as I'm thinking about it.